The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed b… (2024)

What would you be thinking if you knew you only had a few days left to live? Besides being sad and afraid, would you feel like you lived a pretty good life, or would you have regrets? There's nothing like impending death to shake our awareness out of day-to-day problems and force us to look at the big picture.

This book, written by Australian writer and speaker Bronnie Ware, goes where no other book has dared to go- right into the souls of those who knew they were about to die. Ware spent several years as a caregiver for the terminally ill, and wrote this book to gather the many lessons her patients taught her.

This blog is about mental fitness, and the answer to the question of lifelong regrets is a huge one. If you're not doing what you want to do with your life right now, changing that one thing could have an enormous impact on your mental health down the road. Selling yourself short is how a lot of anxiety and depression gets started.

Ware's book title is a bit deceptive. There are a lot more than five people that she works with. I counted seventeen. There are many regrets, but she summarizes them nicely into a memorable package. The book is written in a conversational style from her memories. I assume the author didn't carry around a recording device all the time, but she captures some moving and poignant moments with people at the most vulnerable and honest points of their lives.

Here are the top five regrets, a list that has been published and shared all over the globe.

1- I regret not having lived a life true to myself. This was the most commonly regretted thing and it makes sense. So often we live with others and for others and deny bits of ourselves so as to not complicate things. Being true to yourself is a hard thing to wrap your head around if you've barely ever thought about what it is that you want to be. Almost everyone has a hobby or career that they would have liked to try out. Or perhaps a relationship they wished they had ended that wasn't serving them anymore. Don't waste time waiting for life to start. Make every moment count.

2- I wish I hadn't worked so hard. Ware describes a tragic tale of a man who's wife begged him to retire, but he didn't want to. She wanted to take trips and spend more time with him, and he finally agreed to retire in a year. But before that could happen she got sick and died, and he was stuck alone with enormous amounts of guilt. It's funny how our work and careers seem to define us while we're young, and how little they seem to matter in the end.

3- I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Ware devotes four different cases to this regret, and the stories are touching and sad. "Don't take people for granted", one of her patients told her. Make sure you tell people how much you love and appreciate them while you still have the chance. For those that don't, they are stuck with this regret that their relationships weren't as honest and rewarding as they could have been.

4- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. People come and go in our lives. Once gone, many of the dying patients regretted not re-connecting with the dearest friends who had drifted away. Ware went to great lengths to find three elderly friends for one lady, and was able to connect with one by phone that made this woman's last days much richer. Nursing homes can be lonely places, but not because there aren't other people there. They are lonely because the people there don't have a history of knowing the real person they were when they were young, vibrant and full of life. Losing those lifelong friendships causes a disconnection with the past.

5. I wish I had let myself be happier. "Happiness is a choice," one of the dying patients tells us. Impending death makes people reflect on happiness and the choices that they made. You can be wealthy and miserable, just like you can be poor and grateful. A lot of happiness relates to how you react to your circ*mstances, not the circ*mstances themselves. "Don't worry about the little stuff- only love matters," is what another dying person tells us.

Beyond the five regrets, there are some wonderful descriptions of the transformations that happens to people when they die. There are some moments, like the glorious and transcendent smile that comes over Stella's face when she makes her transition. So many people fear even the idea of death, but Ware, having witnessed it personally over a dozen times, makes it seem beautiful and peaceful.

Ware shares some of her personal life stories while all of this is going on and how it affected her. She was basically homeless for a while and questioning what to do with her life. This process obviously meant a lot to her, and she eventually left palliative care and settled down to marry and have children. Her writing about this experience has been shared all over the world.

Death is not as scary as we imagine, though the gradual loss of body functions is described in detail here. More importantly, death gives people a chance to come to grips with their lives and realize how they would have done things differently. Regrets are only sad if they don't produce learning opportunities. If you are a spiritual or religious person, learning opportunities are what life is all about, and in an after-life we hopefully can put all those lessons to good use.

The biggest benefit of this book is giving the readers a sneak preview of what awaits them so they can learn the lessons now instead of waiting until the end. Seeing what others have regretted as mistakes gives all of us a head start and some valuable information about what's truly important in life. I recommend this book to anyone wanting to get closer to their true purpose and make their life more meaningful.

eigentliche Wertung: 1,5 Sterne!

In diesen 349 Seiten erzählt die Australierin Bronnie Ware über das Leben und berichtet über ihre Erfahrungen mit Sterbenden und über das, was Sterbende am meisten bereuen. Dennoch: viel zu viel Leben und viel zu wenige Einsichten der Sterbenden. Das Leben der Bronnie Ware, das wäre ein guter Titel für dieses Buch gewesen, nicht aber 5 Dinge, die Sterbende am meisten bereuen.

Lange habe ich mich davor gedrückt, diese Rezension zu schreiben. Es ist schon ein paar Monate her, seit ich das Buch gelesen habe. Seither steht es zusammen mit meinen anderen Büchern in meinem Regal und hin und wieder höre ich es rufen, wie es mich daran erinnert, dass ich noch eine Rezension zu schreiben habe. Wieso ich das Schreiben dieser Rezension so lange vor mir her geschoben habe? Ich wusste einfach nicht, wie ich es bewerten sollte. War es gut? War es schlecht? Irgendwas dazwischen? Ich wusste es nicht. 5 Dinge, die Sterbende am meisten bereuen, ein Buchtitel, der unter die Haut geht. Meine Erwartungen waren demnach sehr hoch. Je älter ich werde, desto nachdenklicher werde ich auch. Früher war einem gar nicht bewusst, wie schnell die Zeit an uns vorbei zieht. Was ist wirklich wichtig im Leben? Was ist uns wirklich wichtig im Leben? Die Idee darüber zu schreiben, was Sterbende am meisten bereuen, verursachte mir im ersten Moment etwas Gänsehaut, im zweiten Moment dann aber wirkte es unglaublich faszinierend auf mich. Ob wir es nun wahrhaben wollen oder nicht, wir sterben alle irgendwann. Worauf möchten wir dann zurückblicken? Auf ein Leben voll verstaubter Träume oder auf ein Leben, in dem Träume zur Wirklichkeit wurden?

Das Buch legt den Fokus auf zwei Themen: Bronnies eigene Lebenserfahrungen und die Einsichten Sterbender, die sie als Sterbebegleiterin betreut und auf ihrem letzten Weg begleitet hat. Statt von den Sterbenden und ihre Einsichten zu erzählen, wie es der Titel des Buches eigentlich verspricht, geht es in dem Buch hauptsächlich um die Erfahrungen, die Bronnie selbst gemacht hat, immer bezogen auf diese fünf Dinge, die Sterbende angeblich am meisten bereuen. Sie beginnt mit ihren Erzählungen tatsächlich immer bei den Sterbenden, schweift allerdings nach wenigen Sätzen bereits wieder ab und erzählt umfangreich von ihrem eigenen Leben, ihren Erlebnissen, ihrem Werdegang, ihren Gefühlen und Emotionen, ihren Erwartungen an das Leben und und und. Im Grunde hat sie, so schlimm es auch klingen mag, die sterbenden Menschen ausgenutzt, um ihre eigene Geschichte zu erzählen, womöglich um so mehr Leser zu erhalten, da eine Geschichte über fünf Dinge, die Sterbende am meisten bereuen, vermutlich häufiger gekauft und gelesen wird, als die Biografie einer Frau, die keiner kennt.

POSITIV

Das Buch hat mich jedoch nicht völlig kalt gelassen, ganz im Gegenteil. Immerhin gibt es trotz allem diese fünf Dinge, die Sterbende am meisten bereuen, seien sie nun eben so oder so erzählt. Das Buch regt zum Nachdenken an, es ließ mich diverse Dinge mein eigenes Leben betreffend in Frage stellen. Es hat mich motiviert, mich gelehrt und mir die Augen geöffnet. Auch hat es mich emotional berührt, denn die Menschen, von denen Bronnie Ware in ihrem Buch erzählt, haben allesamt noch ihren Frieden finden können, bevor sie für immer die Augen schlossen. Sie hatten Familie um sich, Freunde, Bekannte, geliebte Menschen, die sie auf ihren letzten Wegen begleiteten. Es waren allesamt interessante Menschen mit interessanten Leben, über die ich wirklich gerne noch so viel mehr erfahren hätte.

Die 5 Reue-Punkte:

1.Ich wünschte, ich hätte den Mut gehabt, mir selbst treu zu bleiben, statt so zu leben, wie andere es von mir erwarten
2.Ich wünschte, ich hätte nicht so viel gearbeitet
3.Ich wünschte, ich hätte den Mut gehabt, meinen Gefühlen Ausdruck zu verleihen
4.Ich wünschte, ich hätte den Kontakt zu meinen Freunden gehalten
5.Ich wünschte, ich hätte mir mehr Freude gegönnt

Bronnie Ware schreibt von Ehrlichkeit und Authentizität; sie schreibt von Aufrichtigkeit, davon, der Welt und den Menschen gegenüber offener zu sein/werden. Sie schreibt darüber freundlicher zu werden den Mitmenschen gegenüber. Im Bus oder der Bahn einfach mal ein Lächeln tauschen, statt ein Gesicht wie sieben Tage Regenwetter zu ziehen. Sie schreibt davon, das Leben zu genießen und es so zu leben, wie man es leben möchte, ganz gleich, was andere davon denken oder halten mögen. Man lebt immerhin nur einmal; man hat nur dieses eine Leben, das ohnehin viel zu kurz ist. Wieso die Zeit mit Dingen verschwenden, die einen nur unglücklich machen?

NEGATIV

Die Autorin bezeichnet sich selbst als sehr spirituell, differenziert allerdings nicht, sondern stellt ihre Ansichten stets als Tatsachen hin. Man fühlt sich bemuttert, bevormundet irgendwie und eventuell auch ein wenig in die Enge getrieben von ihren hartnäckigen Ansichten. Teilweise wirkte es nicht so, als würde die Autorin den Leser inspirieren, sondern ihm lieber Vorschriften machen wollen, wie man das Leben „richtig“ lebt.

Sie lebt nach dem Motto, sich nur auf das Gute im Leben zu konzentrieren, das Schlechte auszublenden, den Verstand zu überwinden und auf sein Herz zu hören.

Es mag Menschen geben, die ihre Auffassung und Meinung teilen, dennoch liegt das Problem meiner Meinung nach darin, dass sie all diese Meinungen, Ansichten und Auffassungen, die sie vertritt, nicht als eben solche hinstellt, sondern als einzig richtigen und wahren Weg verkaufen möchte. Alle anderen, die eben nicht nach diesem Motto leben, leben ihr Leben falsch. Glaubt sie. Natürlich ist es wichtig und lohnenswert, sich auf die eigenen Ziele zu konzentrieren, einfach mal auf das Herz zu hören, immerhin tun wir das viel zu selten, allerdings ist es sicherlich auch nicht ganz unbedenklich, den Verstand einfach komplett auszuschalten. Auch Probleme zu umgehen, ihnen einfach auszuweichen, statt eine Lösung zu finden, ist meiner Meinung nach nicht der richtige Weg. Das Leben ist nicht immer Friede Freude Eierkuchen, es ist nicht immer perfekt. Manchmal bekommt man eben Steine in den Weg gelegt, manchmal kleine Steinchen, die man einfach weg kicken kann, manchmal aber auch riesige Felsbrocken, die man alleine nicht bewegt bekommt. Wenn man nie lernt, mit Problemen umzugehen, was passiert denn dann, wenn man tatsächlich mal vor einem Berg an Problemen steht, den man sich nicht einfach so weg wünschen kann? Das Einfachste Beispiel sind wohl Geldschulden. Natürlich kann man dieses Problem vermeiden, in dem man einfach keine Schulden macht, doch man weiß nie, wie das Leben einem spielt und wenn man diese Schulden erst einmal hat, kann man sie nicht mehr umgehen und sie lösen sich auch nicht in Luft auf, nur weil man eben bloß an das Gute im Leben glaubt.

Die Autorin stützt sich hier und da immer wieder in irgendwelche Extreme, meist auf spiritueller Ebene, was sie meiner Meinung nach alles andere zu einer guten Lebensberaterin macht.

LOHNT SICH DAS BUCH?

Die Kapitel über die Sterbenden und deren Einsichten deren Leben betreffend sind empfehlenswert, sehr sogar. Die Lebensgeschichte der Autorin eher weniger, wird sie mit der Zeit doch immer langweiliger, langatmiger und unnötiger. Ich musste mich teilweise regelrecht durch die Seiten quälen. Sie erzählt ihre Geschichte willkürlich, teilweise zusammenhangslos. Von Kapitel zu Kapitel wird deutlich, dass sie sich selbst offenbar für eine Heilige hält. Sie meditiert, sie betet, sie lebt nach ihren ganz eigenen Überzeugungen und ist offenbar fest der Meinung, dass nur ihr Weg der Richtige; der einzig Wertvolle ist.

Das Buch hat mehr von einer Biografie, als von dem, was der Titel verspricht. Dennoch lohnt es sich, die 5 Reue-Punkte der Sterbenden zu kennen, jedoch muss man dafür nicht das ganze Buch lesen. Hier reicht auch die Inhaltsangabe. Von einem Kauf des Buches würde ich daher abraten, ich würde eher dazu raten, es sich eventuell auszuleihen, falls Interesse besteht, es zu lesen. Die Autorin sagt, das Buch hätte ihr Leben verändert. Meins hat es nicht verändert.

This is hands down one of the worst books I have ever read and I feel confident in my rating of 1 star. The book markets itself as a memoir/ non-fiction, which is a stretch because the quality of writing is akin to a diary and the content is so unbelievable that it may as well be fiction. I picked up this book because I was intrigued by the synopsis and many rave reviews. The book had been on my radar for quite some time and I finally got it on a kobo sale for $2. I finished reading the book out of morbid curiosity of what the author would come up with next.

The Writing
This book is an absolute mess and, to the credit of the author, she tells the reader this in the introduction.

“Whatever magic this book originally had was independent of any composition or grammatical rules. I simply wrote as I would to a friend, sharing my tale and those of the patients I came to love. This edition, therefore, is not edited in a traditional way, following formulas or rules. It is simply a tidy-up of grammar and a tightening of the message in parts.”

Apart from the obvious issues with sentence syntax, grammar, and word choice, the author’s ramblings tended to go in circles. The book is highly repetitive, unintelligible, and inconsequential.

The Content
The book is supposed to be about the author’s work in palliative care and the significance of the regrets of those dying. I had expected that the book would focus a lot more on the people the lessons were learned from. Instead, Bronnie glosses over the narratives of her patients to ramble on about what she has learned about life. It was a disappointing read because whenever there seemed to be a good story emerging from one of the people she cared for, she interjects with her own life experiences as opposed to following the narrative of that person.

Most of the content provided by the author regarding her personal experiences were quite surface level, she never explains or shares details. She often notes the emergence of personal negative cycles or interpersonal conflicts, but gives no further insights. The book trades depth and storytelling for lengthy, self-indulgent monologues.

The entire book is about the author, Bronnie. Bronnie wants us to know right away that she is a vegetarian and possibly a Buddist. It was hard to tell since she has manipulated some of the basic pillars of Buddishm and tries to indoctrinate the reader with her own beliefs. Bronnie’s personal belief system toxically concludes that every person and experience is meant to serve as a life lesson for one individual person. This self-centered lens imprints itself into every aspect of the book. Below are three different examples of how she views others as a means for her own “learning”.

“Perhaps you are still here for me. Perhaps there are still things that I need to learn through you and that is why your time has not yet come.”

“I am glad for her that she didn’t suffer for long. I believe she came into my life to teach me the joy of unconditional love.”

“As I returned each day, I prayed he would still be there. It was a difficult thing in a way. I knew he wanted to go, to be with Rita and the children he had lost. In that respect, I wished him a speedy departure. But for my own growth and connection, I wanted him to hold on as long as possible.”

The Tone
The tone of the book is rather self righteous. Bronnie criticizes others to highlight how upstanding she believes herself to be. These comparisons were unnecessary as they didn’t move forward a narrative or add value.

“As I walked past the desk, office girls were moaning to each other about another office girl. I wondered how they could be so surrounded by death, yet still put their energy into complaining about trivial things. Unfortunately, most people give their energy to trivial things of no relevance in the long run."

The author has problems with so many different groups of people in the book; people she meets on a hiking trip, other carers, people who work in the hospice care centers, and even the families of those dying. Bronnie is delighted to ramble on about having compassion for others and the self, but she doesn't live in alignment with those values. Even when discussing reaching out to old friends about giving her a place to stay for unknown periods of time between jobs, she attributes many negative adjectives to those who are unwilling to put her up. For those who do welcome her into their home, she writes a plethora of words related to their good hearts and kindness, calling them delightful people and using words which convey their generosity towards her. The book fails as a memoir because the author lacks basic self awareness and her self-righteous tone is alienating.

Unethical Grounds
I found the author to be professionally unethical in both her recounts of events and how she writes about patients and their families in the book. There are instances where she shares information with patients that the family was asking not to be shared, overstepping her professional boundaries as a carer. Her desire to be alone with patients was uncomfortable to me, especially when she conveyed her irritation with the patient’s family members wanting to be present in the final days of their loved ones life. This made me question her motives for working with the dying.

“The intensity of Brain’s desperation to look after his father had increased enormously. He was even more controlling and would only leave the house for an hour maximum, each afternoon. I was grateful that both Harry and I had already appreciated those peace hours before I went away, as they were hardly on offer anymore. In addition to Brian’s obsessive behavior, Harry was sleeping much more anyway.”

I was shocked by her blatant dishonesty regarding her work experience and professional training as well as her disrespect towards institutions which work to ensure carers have adequate training and experience to assist the dying and their loved ones.

“Honesty had always been a significant part of my personality. But when questions came from the family about my experience, I found myself lying, all because I needed the work. New laws were also coming in about staff qualifications, of which I had none. Even though I couldn’t prove my skills by speaking about previous experiences, I wanted Stella’s family to feel at ease with me. I knew in my heart I could do the job well, as it was about gentleness and intuition more than anything. So I went along with the lies, saying I had nursed more people than I had when they asked.”

Her writing should have been more refined in instances where she discusses the physical elements of her caring role. She should have been more respectful of her patients in her verbiage, especially in her descriptions of their bodily functions. Her detailed accounts of these kinds of things didn’t add value to the narrative and I am not sure what their intended purpose was. I found her lack of respect when speaking of her patients and their families to be unprofessional and unethical.

Unreliable Narrator
In any memoir, we have to accept that quotes will only be as close to what the writer remembers as possible, relying on our faith in the author’s interest in being as truthful as they can. I found Bronnie to be disingenuous and I had no faith in her ability to convey a story. By the midway point of the book, I had little trust in how much was even true as opposed to deeply altered by the writer. Many of the stories and quotes she attributed to others sounded immensely contrived.

Conclusions
My lasting impressions of this book are that it's a bunch of nonsensical, self-indulgent ramblings mixed with #madeupkidMonday storytelling.

With regards to the elderly people she was assisting, I felt ripped off by how little of their stories were shared. As the reader, we are given only a superficial glimpse at how these people came to learn the lessons that the book is supposed to be about; the author fails to achieve the main goal of the book.